A Word From Kay Hotaling   

Recently Kay and I were sorting through the clutter of the many papers we have saved and I came across several that had insights from Kay that she had presented to various friends over the years.  I love her insights!  So I typed up some of these ideas to share with friends who we know have experienced them in their journeys with Jesus and others.

Enjoy,
Kent Hotaling              

Intentional Friendships

Learning to live as friends is God’s idea.  It begins with Him initiating friendship with us and grows as we listen to and learn from him.  Then as Jesus made clear (love each other the way I have loved you) we are learning from God how to walk with each other as friends.

Some ideas on how to be a good friend:

• Pay attention to your inner journey; be a friend of God and a friend to yourself.
• Be real; sometimes the best gift is our weakness.  Let go of carefully constructed public selves in order to receive as well as give.
• Offer time and attention – the coins of love.
• Be a safe person – don’t judge, don’t gossip, value the person’s vulnerable sharing.
• Give space and freedom – respect the person’s autonomy and relationship with God.  Don’t seek to control with any kind of agenda.
• Be aware that the person who wants the least depth in the relationship is defining it.

Some potential pitfalls in building friendships:

• Comparing and competing – competition and compassion are mutually exclusive.
• Release heavy expectations – don’t expect your friend to be Christ in your life.
• Don’t begin to take responsibility for your friend’s life even as you stay responsible for yours.  Otherwise the relationship will become stifling and draining.

Become a mutually ministering friend:

• Pray for each other.
• Listen intently – note the addendum on listening.
• Ask caring questions:  What have you been learning lately?  What’s a joy for you at present? Are there any heavy things pressing on you? How would you like me to pray for you?  Is there anything you want to tell me that I haven’t asked about?
• Mutual affirmation and validation.
• Support each other in times of difficulty or significant decision making.
• Vulnerably let the other person know us.  We all fail each other, and others, in many ways and as we let a friend know the specifics we offer God’s grace and forgiveness to each other.
• Mutual submission that is voluntary accountability.
• Studying together is a good way to learn from Jesus through each other.
• Help each other identify our gifting.
• Be partners in ministering together in helping others.

Recognizing the different kinds of friendship helps us stay free from unrealistic expectations:  

• Distant – we see each other seldom
• Historical – It was of value to both of us at one time but we have each moved on as directed by the Spirit.
• Short-term – Not meant to develop deep roots, but to be helpful for a while.
• Mentor-mentee – not one with equality in it.
• Deep and long-term – it has the characteristic of mutual submission, trust, and walking in agreement.

Listening

Listening begins with learning to listen for God’s voice as He speaks to us in the deepest part of ourselves.   In order to do this we need to diminish the interior noise of distractions, preoccupations, obsessions, anxieties (what ifs) and regrets (if onlys).

We won’t be able to listen well to others if we don’t listen to our own lives (Psalm 46:10)

How do we develop this quiet center in the midst of our busy lives?

• Be intentional about making time to be quiet.
• Take advantage of odd moments in between various activities.

We are conditioned to be uncomfortable with silence.  What is our first response to a moment of silence: when alone — TV or radio?  When with others — say something, anything?

Listen with Discernment

There are times and things that we should not listen to.  Such things are obvious: gossip, innuendos, and constant negativity.

Listening to Others

We all love to be listened to and we are pleased when we feel we’ve been heard. We are deeply comforted when someone listens to us.  It feels like love.  It feels like respect.  This may be the reason that listening is the best gift we can give others.

It takes energy to concentrate on what someone is saying.  That energy is needed to do more than half-listen, while we are waiting for the opportunity to put in for what we most want to hear—the sound of our own voice.  That’s why we begin by learning to listen to God because the compulsive need to talk comes in part from a noisy interior, the chattering in our own heads.

Listening is a form of hospitality and it validates the storyteller when we listen without judgment but with words of affirmation for the thoughts expressed.